WHEN AND HOW TO APOLOGIZE
One key to getting along well with people is knowing when to say you're sorry. Sometimes little comments or actions
can hurt or offend others. Heavy workloads and stress may keep us from seeing how our actions make others feel.
The little things can add up. It doesn't take long for someone to hold a grudge and for grudges to grow into conflicts.
In most cases, if someone is offended by something you do or say, it's much better to apologize right away. That solves
the small problem and keeps it from getting bigger.
It's hard to apologize. Many of us are ashamed or have too much pride. Sometimes we just
don't know how to do it. Here are some tips that may make it easier to say you're sorry.
- Take responsibility. The first step in apologizing is to admit to yourself that you have offended someone. You may know this right away, or the other person's reaction may let you know you have done something hurtful. But you must admit you have done wrong and accept responsibility for your actions.
- Explain. It's important to let the person you hurt know that you didn't mean to do harm. At the same time, you must show that you take your mistake seriously. Recognize that your actions caused a problem for the other person.
- Show your regret. The other person needs to see that you have suffered, too. Come
right out and say you are sorry or ashamed. I felt bad the minute I told your secret.
I'm ashamed of myself.
- Repair the damage. To be complete, an apology must correct the injury. If you damaged
someone's property, offer to fix it. If the damage isn't so obvious, ask What can I do
to make it up to you? There may be nothing concrete you can do, but the offer must be
sincere. I'll try to keep my mouth shut in the future. Meantime, let me buy you a cup
of coffee. Another way to repair the damage is to send a note or a small gift.
- Use good timing. Apologize right away for little things. For example, if you bump into
someone, say you're sorry right away. Don't wait until the next day to apologize. However,
if you have done something more serious, like insult a friend, your apology should be more
thoughtful. A quick apology might seem phony. Take the time to sit down, look the person in
the eye, and apologize honestly.
- It's not about who "won" or who "lost." It's about keeping a strong friendship.
Written material may be reprinted provided no endorsement of a commercial product is
stated or implied. Please credit University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension and
the Nebraska Health and Human Services System.
Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Elbert C. Dickey, Interim Director of Cooperative Extension, University of Nebraska, Institute of Agriculture and Natural Resources.
University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension educational programs abide with the non-discrimination policies of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and the United States Department of Agriculture.